Saturday, November 5, 2016

Happy Birthday to...US!

Not the United States, I mean us. We few, we happy, although often clinically depressed few, who have birthdays in October, and don't receive the recognition we're due because Scott -- who's one of us, and yet betrayed us! Dolchsto├člegende!  -- can't organize his time well enough to hold down a job and blog at the same time. Pretty pathetic.

Oh well...In the miserable bastard's defense, I will say that the job he's taken on, while temporary, is also an exacting and time-consuming one, and with a single exception, he's been working seven days a week since September 20th. And I ought to know, because that plucky young man is...

Me.

Now you know...the rest of the--

Hang on, I'm getting a call from M. Night Shyamalan. I better take this...

Uh-huh...Uh-huh. Right. Yeah. Okay, thanks. Nighty-night, Night! [click!]

Hoo boy, did he read me the riot act. Wow...

Okay. To sum up, I guess I'm not going to try and add a signature twist ending to every blog post, because apparently that way lies madness. And despair. And abysmally, albeit predictably, poor box office receipts. So I guess I'll just press on. What the hell was I talking about...?

Oh, right! Natal anniversaries that come just as the first fingers of frost shyly caress your pumpkins. We've missed a whole bunch of them so far, so let's recap.

Previously, on World O' Crap:

Dr. BDH, Wo'C Chief Medical Office celebrated his birthday on October 4th. I assume some sort of balloon was involved. Possibly a barium punch.

On October 11, Joanna, better known in the blogoworld as Anntichrist S. Coulter, endured her birthday, and it wasn't all that great according to my informants, so please give her a laurel and hearty hand job clasp in the comments.

On October 18, KWillow had a birthday in Superior Court, in and for the County of Los Angeles. In a moments, the results of that birthday.

[Dragnet march. Mug shot of KWillow. Superimposed title: "Convicted of Malicious Kindness and Aggravated Wit. Now serving 3-5 cupcakes, without possibility of profiterole."

Cut to Jack Webb for Fatima cigarettes.]


November 1, the birthday of fellow Hollywoodian Chris Vosburg, the Renaissance Dutchman, known for his encyclopedic knowledge of things you can't find in the encyclopedia. So maybe he can explain THIS:
Skinless weiners?! Why is that good? How does that even work? And assuming it's true, as Jean insists, why is Ted here so happy about it?

Look, just leave the skin on, okay? Otherwise you'd have to use some kind of brush-on sealant to keep the meat from falling apart the instant you get it between the buns, and I don't want anybody varnishing my weiner!

On November 2, Zombie Rotten McDonald celebrated his birthday, although I'm not sure you're still entitled to cake and presents after you're dead. Seems like double-dipping to me.

Rather than bake a cake, since I don't know if he has a sweet-tooth, I got a condiment to spice up all his table fare:


And today, November 5, is the actual, I'm-not-late-for-once birthday of Li'l Innocent -- keen observer of feline-anthropoid relations, and illustrator of my all time favorite comic book that I never actually got a chance to buy and slip into a Mylar bag and then sell for an unconscionable mark-up on eBay.

And hey, it's such a nice day out, let's not stay indoors and eat cake and drop clothespins into milk bottles or play Pin the Tail on the Donkey -- let's get out into the fresh air. So to celebrate, I'm taking us all to the racetrack!


Welcome to the 2016 Breeder's Cup. First up, the Juvenile Fillies Turf, for two year olds. In the lead is Santa Baby, followed by Berber From Gerber, with National Arrowroot coming up on the inside!

Come onnnnnn, Santa Baby! Baby needs a new pair of baby booties!

Please accept my apologies for the tardiness, and also this stunning, suitable for framing Sexy Birthday Lizard!
"Drink me in, folks!"

Please join me in wishing a very happy and very belated birthday to Dr. BDH, Anntichrist S. Coulter, KWillow, Chris Vosburg, zombie, Li'l Innocent, and...Me.

11 comments:

Chris Vosburg said...

Hooray for us! Happy Birthdays to "the rest!" (who later came to be known "The Professor And Mary Ann").

heydave said...

A plethora! Fuckin' A!

Li'l Innocent said...

Dear Scott, and dear Us --- thanks for the mention, and really, happy autumnal birthdays - with the whole gorgeous foliage-deepblue skies-crisp sunshine package, accompanying new-pressed apple cider, fresh-baked doughnuts, and maple sugar candies from our local ritzy farmers mart here in north NJ where we're having an excellent time pretending that Chris Christie can no longer be said to actually exist -- (pant, pant) and yeah! Happy Birthday everybody!

Now if we can just get thru Tuesday more or less intact...

(Yo, Scott, I'm sending a bday present your way>)

Dr.BDH said...

Thanks, Scott. Now that I know Jack Webb was the founder of ISIS, I can watch old Dragnet episodes in a whole new light.

Li'l Innocent said...

Scott, if you and Hank and Jeff are going all amphibian, may I ask, without queering anybody's pitch, if you've ever seen and evaluated "The Maze"?

Also, I neglected to say what a truly lovely sexy birthday lizard that was.

Hank said...

That's quite the collection of natal anniversaries you've assembled here, Scott. Happy birthday to all you good people, with many sexy lizards to come!

Scott said...

Li'l: I haven't seen The Maze, but based on what little I've heard about it, that's an excellent suggestion. Thanks!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Thanks for the wishes! But November, 3 here. Although I had cake on the second as well (not to mention seeing the Jayhawks on the 4th), so maybe triple- or quadruple-dipping?

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

Heartfelt apologies to all whom I've neglected, including our self-flagellating author here, and sincere gratitude for having been remembered. I'd promise to make it up to y'all, but right now, who wants to hear any MORE horseshit???

All my love & gratitude (including a baptist-sized dose of guilt),
Annti/J
XOXOXO


Happy happy joy joy, indeed. Anybody who can sing teh whole song has my true admiration and probably some Mendicino Green, ya lucky bastid.

Anonymous said...

And couldja send some of those Brain Salts down this-a'way? I gotta figure-out SOMEHOW to get my shit & my shriveled-down ass to South Carolina, apparently, and ain't come-up with concept ONE!!!

Bitter Scribe said...

Skinless wieners actually work just the way the ad says. The liquified meat (it's called "batter"--no lie) is poured into plastic casings and cooked in hickory smoke (generated by feeding hickory 2x4s into grinding wheels--what, you thought there was a guy in a flannel shirt outside chopping logs?) . Then the casings with the hot dogs, which are linked together like a machine-gun belt, are fed into a machine-gun like casing stripper that fires the stripped hot dogs like--well, like a machine gun. At the Oscar Meyer plant I toured, they were aimed at a guy holding a big plastic garbage can lid like a shield, deflecting them downward into the garbage can. (The can had never actually been used for garbage. I'm pretty sure of that.)