Tuesday, January 3, 2017

New Year, Same Old Crap


[On the phone with an old friend who prefers I not drag his good name through my sordid blog]

SCOTT: What'd you do for the holidays?

FRIEND: I went SCUBA diving in Hawaii.

SCOTT: Very nice. Did you get certified?

FRIEND: No, it was just a resort course, but now I feel like fucking Jacques Cousteau!

SCOTT: He is very sexually attractive.

FRIEND: ...

SCOTT: I mean, not so much now. But back in the day I bet he was a tigershark in the sack.

FRIEND: ...

SCOTT: Probably why that knit cap he always wore looked so much like a reservoir tip.

FRIEND: (Sigh)

SCOTT: I'm texting you the url to my Jacques Cousteau/Rod Serling slash fiction site...

FRIEND: This is why I only talk to you once a year.

6 comments:

rclz said...

OMG I'm so glad I found your blog. hahaha

Blanche Ramirez said...

<3

Debbi said...

Thank you for this. I needed the laugh!

Li'l Innocent said...

Well, I can see how frequent in-person real-time interchanges of this sort might be a bit much for a sensitive constitution... but honestly, Scott, that was lovely, and in your old buddy's place, I'd want a once-a-month fix. At least.

BTW, are you so horrified by the Orange Advent, and all his little Advents, that you can't bear to use your wit on them? It would be a wonderful thing to at least try to bring the whole trumpiverse down with loud laughter.

Scott said...

Thanks very much, guys.

And Li'l...I'm working up to it.

I'm working up to it.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

{slowly unfurling a long-neglected and sadly-missed old friend, the old, baby-soft doeskin cat-o-nine once loaned to me by a LEGIT dom... Hey, it's all fantasy, so I can covet it in my head, dammit...}

Work HARDER, damn you!!!

Seriously. Drama queen and mistress of shit-fits I may be, but I am *not* given to "panic attacks" or other similar in-person hissy-fits for attention, but there's been a trump-ass-sized fist clenching the center of my chest since NOVEMBER, and dammit, unless the Powerball comes through before the 20th or somebody loans me some skeet, there is NO FUCKING WAY, short of grand larceny of a vehicle that actually MOVES (unlike mine) that this shit will EVER fucking UNCLENCH!!!

Make me laugh, furry boy, make me fucking LAUGH about this shit.

Pretty please & thank you.
XOXOXO
L,
ASC