Sunday, March 26, 2017

Happy Birthday, MaryC! As Seen on TV!

By Bill S.

Well, it's once again to wish the happiest of birthday to World O'Crap's very own MaryC. That means it's time to do a little birthday shopping, and so I've decided to look through a couple catalogues to find that very special gift. First, let's flip the the pages of the ever reliable Carol Wright Gifts!

SUPER HAIR-CUTTING RAZOR COMB only $3.99
Give yourself a perfect trim every time you comb your hair! Unique comb has built-in razor that trims your hair automatically according to length--short or long.
Thank you for explaining what the hair length options were.
"Save money on Expensive Haircuts"
Yeah, and with the money you save, you'll be able to buy bandages you'll need from cutting your scalp every time you try to comb your hair.
EXPERIENCE THE AMAZING BUTTERFLY KISS  only $19.99
Enjoy heightened sensual pleasure this powerful Butterfly Kiss personal massager. It features three speeds, and an--
Holy crap! THAT'S what a butterfly kiss is? Maybe DJs should stop cuing up that Bob Carlisle song  at weddings during the father-daughter spotlight dance then!
LONG-REACH COMFORT WIPE Why pay $39.99? Ours only $9.99
If you have trouble with personal hygiene, this long-reach comfort wipe is the answer. Its soft, flexible head grips toilet paper or pre-moistened wipes securely, while its ergonomic design reaches where you can't. After wiping, simply press the release button for fast, sanitary disposal.
I did not make that up. This is an actual thing that exists. I cannot imagine how using it could make the task it's designed for easier. It looks like a prop you'd find in an Adam Sandler movie. No, worse, a Rob Schneider movie. I'm not sure who'd need this. I'm not sure I want to meet that person.

[Scott adds:  On the other hand, over 5,600 people have liked this post-poop tool on Facebook. Can you be the first of your friends, or is it already too late? (And by "too late," I mean "for us, as a species".)]

Last year I came across another catalogue for gift ideas, called "Things You Never Knew Existed"

Let's see what they have--
EXECUTIONS IN AMERICA BOOK-OVER 300 YEARS OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT $14.95
300 years? Are they predicting 60 years into the future?
An intimate look at the death row inmates, from last wishes and words to the clothes they wore to their deaths. Heavily illustrated with rare pictures of the condemned criminals, their executioners, the official instruments used to carry out the sentences and in many cases, the actual executions.
So, light bedtime reading then?
TALKING CHATIMAL MONKEY-Funny Monkey Repeats What You Say $29.98
Cheeky little monkey knows how to get the laughs! Press his hand and talk to him--when the red light goes off, he repeats what you say in a silly high-pitched voice while bobbing his head.
Get it now, before Donald Trump appoints it to a cabinet position. Assuming he hasn't already.
HAPPY GNOME COUPLE $19.98
Whoops! Guess they forgot they weren't behind closed doors! Plant this very cheeky couple in a special spot in your yard...and wait for the roars of laughter!
And wait and wait and wait...and hope your neighbor's kids don't see this grotesque thing when they arrive home from school.
DAY CLOCKS-WHEN ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS WHAT DAY IT IS  $44.98
If you're so messed up you can't remember what day of the week it is, forget the clock and call AA.

TREE SPIRIT GREENMAN   $42.98
Made of pliable vinyl composite, this woodland spirit molds to the trunk of your favorite tree, blending right in.
 "How'd you like it if somebody picked your apples?"

That is the creepiest damn thing I've ever seen.

CROWN OF THORNS T-SHIRT (LG, XL) $19.98, (2X) $21.98
Striking image of Jesus wearing a crown of thorns is so realistically printed that it has a 3D-like quality!
I take back what I just said. THIS is the creepiest thing I've ever seen. Especially since it looks more like the Medusa than Jesus.

RUDE HAND GESTURES OF THE WORLD BOOK  $12.95
Sometimes, the best way to communicate is with your hands. This useful guide explains how to make 50 highly offensive gestures from all over the world, including how to: curse a perfect stranger; express explicit sexual interest; defame a friend's mother; and call someone stupid, crazy or ugly.
Ah, so it's educational! Well, I don't think we need to look any further!

Happy Birthday MaryC!

[From Scott: I don't have any lizard photos on hand, but here's Shadow smirking in a way that makes me wonder what I'm going to find in my shoe...]

9 comments:

acrannymint said...

The Bi-color Hen and Chicks would probably make a lovely addition to any garden. Seriously

maryclev said...

Wow, Bill! Everything looks so great, I don't know which gift to pick! I think I'll get the haircutting comb. My hair needs a trim, and I can let people use it to comb their hair as an April Fool's prank!

Thanks again, for another hilarious birthday post. It's the only thing that makes getting older worth it!

Debbi said...

Happy birthday, Mary C! And hello to the kitty cats! :) And to Scott, of course!

Whatever happened to Chris Vosberg? Did we talk about this at the In-N-Out Burger? I have a mind like a sieve these days!

M. Bouffant said...

Quite a cornucopia of kool krap for a kool kitten's B-Day!

Many happy, etc.

M. Bouffant said...

As far as the T.P. extension device, it's for people w/ small hands, right?

Hank said...

Happy birthday to you, the incomparable MaryC!

I like the tree spirit: It'll be just the thing for our next Beltane bash. Thanks for introducing us to these exciting new products, Bill S.

Rebel 13 said...

Shouldn't the "Happy Gnome Couple" be simply the "Happy Gnome"? I mean, we have no idea of the lady gnome's feelings on the subject. Just sayin'.

meanie-meanie, tickle a person said...

TREE SPIRIT GREENMAN $42.98
Made of pliable vinyl composite, this woodland spirit molds to the trunk of your favorite tree, blending right in.


Comes with a plastic dagger you can glue on, too! Just below, and slightly stage-left...

M. Bouffant, ConstitutionTP makes the perfect bunwad for that device, in Republican hands. Does the Butthole Reacharound come in 24K gold?

Sue Z Boo said...

Re : Poop reacharound thing.
Scoff all you will while you are still young and supple. While I have never invested in one of these handy gadgets, as a fat, arthritic, old person, I am their niche market. They are relevant to my concerns.
A very happy birthday, MaryC. And condolences on the end of Bones.