Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Happy Valentine's Day! I Got You Some Lesbians!

As made-up holidays designed to keep candy manufacturers in business until October go, this has never been a particularly big one for me, unless you count the size of the fights that occasionally ensued when I ignored it. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm unromantic, it's just that I loathe sappy greeting cards, I think flowers are a silly gift unless you're dating a horse that just won the Preakness, and I lack the energy and organizational skills necessary to stage a massacre. But this year, when silver linings are at a premium and it seems like we can all use a morale boost,  I finally decided to break with tradition and get you a little something.

And in honor of the occasion, I prevailed upon voice artists John Szura and Blanche Ramirez (who performed the audiobook version of Better Living Through Bad Movies) to narrate ancient history's most clueless courtship. It's the story of one pantless man's love for Sappho, Venus of Lesbos.

Monday, February 13, 2017

S.Z.'s Guide to Valentine's Day

[Cross-posted from Sheri's Facebook]

Here's a thought: Valentine's Day isn't the boss of you. You don't have to celebrate it if you don't want to - but if you want to have a fun holiday tomorrow, you can celebrate it however you want to.
You can:

1. Have Valentine's Day for your pet. Do something fun and/or nice. Share your string cheese with the dog. Put construction paper hearts on the cat while she is asleep and take her picture. Make them both watch crappy movies about people who turn into cats or dogs, so they will know how good they have it, and will be nicer to you.

2. Send anonymous Valentines to your friends, neighbors, or coworkers. See if you can make somebody's day, or break up somebody's marriage.

3. Be your own Valentine. Treat yourself to a steak dinner, or some chocolate mousse, or one of those TacoBell things where the taco shell is fried chicken. Binge watch "Simpson's" Halloween episodes. Re-read a favorite book from childhood. Whatever makes you feel special and appreciated.

4. Have that expensive, super-romantic dinner with your spouse or boyfriend girlfriend if you want. But only if you want to, not because it's expected. If you don't want to, you can help me make cat cookies.

(Disclaimer: there is very little chance I will do this, because real cats would try eating the batter and stepping on the frosting, but they are sure cute. The cookies, I mean - the cats are jerks. But cute.)

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Great Moments in Mad Menning

When Marlboro was introduced in 1924, it was marketed as a woman's cigarette, an impression that was reinforced in 1950s when the brand added filter tips. (You can't see it in the photo, but I presume there's a lipstick-stained Marlboro dangling from a corner of the model's mouth as she fusses with her hair ribbon) Everything changed in 1954, when Chicago advertising genius Leo Burnett persuaded insecure male smokers to try filtered cigarettes by way of the Marlboro Man, the World's Fourth Most Famous Cowboy, after Tom Mix, Roy Rogers, and that guy from the Village People. And within months, Marlboro went from a marginal brand to a carcinogenic juggernaut, although I think they could have moved even more coffin nails if they'd split the difference, and run ads featuring their rugged cowpoke posing topless in a ruffled tap pant.

Or am I the only one who wants to see that?

"Come on -- let's have a 'COKE'!"

"Okay, Bob."

"Come on...!"

I said okay."

"Let's have a 'COKE!'"

"Why are you making air quotes when you say 'Coke'?"

"No reason."

"And why are you rubbing your gums like that--?"

"They're itchy!"

"And why--"

"'COKE'! NOW!"

It's a cuck's worst nightmare.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Friday Beast Blogging: The Michael Crawford Edition


MOONDOGGIE: ♫♫ Softly, deftly, music shall caress you
                                    Hear it, feel it secretly posses you
                                    Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind

SCOTT: Moondoggie!

MOONDOGGIE: What?

SCOTT: What are you doing?

MOONDOGGIE: (PAUSE) Nothing...

SCOTT: Well, just...cut it out. Don't be a weirdo.

MOONDOGGIE: I'm not.

(SCOTT WALKS AWAY. PAUSE)

MOONDOGGIE: (QUIETLY) ♫♫In this darkness that you know you cannot find
                                                      The darkness of the music of the night!♫♫

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

To Trouble the Living Fakestream

 You may remember James Lewis, and if so that's probably my fault, as he's been an occasional subject of mockery here on Wo'C (and thus a source of arched brows, puzzled squints, and eyes rolling like slot machines fed constantly by a wizened lady from Barstow with a Kool Super Long dangling from her lip and a coffee can full of embezzled laundry change). He contributes to American Thinker (or as the late Doghouse Riley used to call it, "Uncle Sam Takes a Dump on a Stump"), but merely as a lark, since James is, in his own words, "a scientist by trade, and carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly."  (We've had some fun in the past wondering just what discipline would have James as a scientist, with guesses ranging from "alchemical-etymology, or the transmuting of irony into actual iron," to "humble Torsion Field hand," but personally, I think he's an astrosolipsist).

Anyway, you know how the election of Trump was seen as a signal to far right nationalists, white supremacists, and neo-nazis to emerge from their burrows, glimpse their shadows, and predict six more weeks of kristallnacht? Turns out you're wrong about that, as James proves through the science of Contradiction.
European Conservative Parties Are Not 'Far Right'
I keep reading in the European fakestream media that the new upsurge in conservative democratic parties in Europe all comes down to fascists and paleo-Nazis. They are not – any more than Republicans are fascists and Nazis.
I believe this is known in Rhetoric as an "own goal".
Euro-conservatives sound just like you, me, and Donald Trump. 
 You know -- morons.
 They talk about freedom and democracy.
And getting watchband-deep in a stranger's pussy.
They talk about tolerance for democratic parties but not for totalitarian killers. They talk about taking control of their borders again. Their college campuses have been subverted and turned upside-down
They're now the realm of the Demigorgon, and only those adorable kids from Stranger Things can save us!
Their police forces often turn against normal people on behalf of murderous barbarians, just as ours are being pushed to do.
Hm, let me see if I'm following your logic, James... So police are shooting "normal people" (i.e., black people) at the behest of "murderous barbarians" (presumably white people)? Well, I'm surprised to see you of all people making this argument, but you do have pretty much the entire history of Western Civilization backing you up.
But normal people in Europe have finally gathered the courage to call the enemy by name.
And that name is...Bruce! (The enemy is Australian, judging by Trump's phone etiquette.)
Europe's media constantly smear democratic conservatives as "extreme right" or "fascist." That is a vicious lie, as you can hear for yourself by listening to video speeches on the web by European conservatives.
This one's a classic.
If you don't happen to understand their languages, you can listen to Nigel Farage, who sounds just like Trump.
You know -- a poncy moron.
But notice that the Fakestream in Europe can never allow conservatives to speak, not without smearing them in the same sentence. Trump is a madman according to the media elites in Europe. But then their own democratic populists are also ready to go for a new Hitler, if you listen to the establishment media.
Wait -- is the "establishment media" the same as the "fakestream media"? Or is "establishment" the same as the "mainstream media"? But if that's true, then who's the "lamestream" media? You know what? I don't care. Just please stop repeating the word "stream," because it's making me think of Trump paying prostitutes to piddle.

I've just listened to one of the heroic figures of the resistance, Geert Wilders, who has twice been arrested and convicted of "hate speech" by the neo-fascist establishment in the Netherlands.
Okay, not to go off on a tangent, but did you ever have a little brother or sister or cousin who suddenly decided to repeat everything you said until you wanted to just punch them in the arm or give 'em swirly or a Dutch rub or a Double Jock-Lock? Everything is projection and repetition with these guys. People are calling for resistance to Trump? Well they can't, because Trump supporters are the resistance. Trump and Bannon are fascists? Can't be, because liberals are neo-fascists!  Trump rictus-piece Kellyanne Conway makes up fake massacres and Sean Spicer makes up fake inaugural viewers, but if you report it, that's fake news.

It's argument by copyright infringement.
Over there, the "mainstream media" have lost all credibility, just like the Washington Post and the New York Times. Over there, normal people are sick and tired – and scared – of the pile of lies they have to listen to every day.
It's been awhile since I've seen Yankee Doodle Dandy, but I remember the lyrics to "Over There" being a bit peppier.
Before Trump was elected, European conservatives were forbidden to speak out, accused of Nazism or racism. Today, they are finding their true voices.
Must be a proud moment for European conservatives. Let's take a glance at the non-Nazi-ish, totally unracist things Geert had to say:

(Note: the transcript is courtesy Gates of Vienna, which isn't quite as famous as Geert is for nonracism, so no link)
Geert Wilders in Koblenz: “This is the Year of a Patriotic Spring”

That's a song cue if I've ever heard one.

[Translated from the original German]
Yesterday — a new America. Today — Koblenz, and tomorrow, a new Europe!
Okay, it may not sound better in the original German, just...eerily familiar.
Europe needs a strong Germany, a self-confident Germany, a proud Germany. A Germany that stands for its culture, its identity, and its civilization...We are at the beginning of a patriotic spring in all of Europe
Geert Wilders is Dutch, not German, but he seems like the kind of guy who, had he been around during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands, would have found a constructive way to work with the Germans. Maybe by finally getting off his butt and cleaning out that Secret Annex (he's been promising his wife for months), or perhaps by fingering Audrey Hepburn (I mean that in the stool pigeon, not the Trump, sense of the term).

Marxo-jihadist globalism is always the same, here and there. And just like here, ordinary people are outraged and ready to take to the streets. They are not fascists, and they are certainly not Nazis. They are not totalitarians of any kind at all. They are true democrats with a small d.
A very small d. Just ask their wives.

The treacherous establishments in Europe are closely allied to the corrupting forces of jihad and the Soros left. Young, empty-headed kids are being indoctrinated there, just as they are here. Trained ruckus-makers in black masks are taking the side of jihad over there, just as here.
I wonder which vocational school has the best ruckus-making program. University of Phoenix? Control Data Institute? Truckmaster School of Trucking?
Everyday Europeans are very scared, because their governments no longer protect them from thugs and rapists. Women are afraid to show their blond hair (or any other color hair, for that matter).
Well, Miss Clairol must be taking a blow to the bottom line, but at least now I know why Mattel discontinued Aryan Barbie (Boyfriend Klaus Barbie and Berchtesgaden Dream Bunker™ sold separately).

The same fascist smear tactics we see in Berkeley today are being used in Europe. And no wonder: The sources of political poison are the same left-jihadist Axis of Evil we see in this country. These are people who have been told by Alinsky types like Obama and Hillary that the American middle class is "the enemy." And today, when they run the Organs of Propaganda, they are persuading airheads on colleges around the country that their parents and grandparents, normal Americans, are indeed their enemy.
I just can't figure out how they run the Organs of Propaganda with such small d's.

Obama is an expert Alinsky ruckus-maker. 
 He trained at DeVry. (The former president is also certified in Arc, Mig, Tig, and Oxy Acetylene Welding, because ruckus-making is seasonal work.)
The term "community organizer" used to be called "Communist agitator," when Communists were not afraid to be labeled accurately, and agitation-propaganda is exactly what they do. 
See? You learn something new every day. Here's another interesting piece of trivia: "desk organizers" used to be called "escritoire provocateurs".
The anti-Trump riots are organized by neo-Stalinists, who have never given up their quest for total power. They are not subtle about it.
That's why there was so much bloodshed, property damage, and so many arrests at the Women's March on Washington. Granted, it all happened in an alternate universe, but apparently that counts now, and in all fairness it was a really nearby dimension, practically adjacent. Earth 2, Earth 3 at most.

The U.S. media are now completely corrupt, united in their goal of destroying Donald Trump. 
Or at least having the best camera angle when Trump destroys himself.
The Euro-media are exactly the same. But normal people don't speak in a single voice. They speak in many voices. 
Especially when they get on the phone with reporters and pretend to be their own publicists.

Wikileaks All Over the Rug

[Note: We just received this leak from Sheri, who is taking shelter in the Ecuadorian Embassy, or maybe buying rawhide chews at Petco. Anyway, somewhere very mysterious!]

More Unreported Terrorist Attacks
167. March 16, 2015. Location undetermined.

An innocent civilian was ambushed by a member of Tabbies United, who smacked this man's hat, laughed about it, then ran away. This story got virtually no coverage by the press.

168. June 3, 2016 Baltimore, MD

Bob Jones was licked almost to death by a radical Dachshund, who was possibly in the pay of George Soros. Jones survived, but has never been the same. This is the story that the NY Times refused to print!!!