tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post6755613287142678879..comments2024-03-05T19:50:31.497-08:00Comments on World O' Crap: MaryC's Holiday Gift Report!Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02798340582589737829noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-49489429077539452532011-11-19T23:27:13.372-08:002011-11-19T23:27:13.372-08:00I'd also like to nominate the Oozinator as the...I'd also like to nominate the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdAIt4MgnHc" rel="nofollow">Oozinator</a> as the most disturbing toy of all time.Brian Schlosserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03661141625930661327noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-88661627761304515822011-11-19T23:25:16.895-08:002011-11-19T23:25:16.895-08:00You would have thought that Kenner, flush with all...You would have thought that Kenner, flush with all that Easy Bake oven and Play-Doh money, could have paid for a songwriter with the ability to write a lyric that rhymes: "She's raising her head / its milkin time now / her pre-tend milk /is-a feelin the pail"? I've heard better rhymes at the Aphasia Society's Annual Rap BattleBrian Schlosserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03661141625930661327noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-8682270227008463492011-11-19T05:43:38.776-08:002011-11-19T05:43:38.776-08:00(LAST ONE, I PROMISE, MARY, AND BILL!!!!!! Then I...<i>(LAST ONE, I PROMISE, MARY, AND BILL!!!!!! Then I will shut the fuck up and crawl back into my cave where I belong, I promise!!!)</i><br /><br /><i><b>(P.S.: *FUCK* BLOGGER!!!)</b></i><br /><br /><br />I don't like machines that tell ME shit, *I* am the one that's supposed to be giving the stupid machines THE ORDERS, capice? Plus, the only talking doll I ever had, "Baby Ann," as it turns out, wasn't as waterproof as was advertised, and one vague bath rendered her as mute and useless as a groom at a Kardashian wedding. To this day, I don't like machines that talk to me. If you can't spare a minimum-wage HUMAN BEING to talk to me, THEN GO THE FUCK <i><b>AWAY</b></i> until you CAN.<br /><br />Any other good nightmare-inducing toys that you can remember, Bill? That pee-and-poop doll STILL gives me the shivers, if only from the yelling from the F.U. to STOP WASTING HER FUCKING PAPER TOWELS... I'd <i><b>asked</b></i> Santa for a Tri-Lab Kit and a Tonka Truck. I got a scatological BABY DOLL and more yelling. <b><i>Wheeeeeeee.</i></b> I fucking HATE this, the most crassly-commercial invented-entirely-out-of-whole-cloth-by-teh-Unholy-Roman-EMPIRE so-called fucking formerly-Druidic "holiday" and every dime that is spent upon it.<br /><br />If you are fortunate enough to be able to give gifts to your friends, grocery store gift cards, electrical-company/co-op credits <i>(yes, it is possible, I've done it for a friend before, believe it or not)</i>, even that most-evil of all Chinese merchandizing monoliths, Wally World --- if your friends are in the same shape as everybody else this year, especially like Scott & Mary, as well as Sheri's boundless generosity towards critters of literally EVERY description, PetSmart or Tractor Supply gift cards would be VERY thoughtful, if not outright PayPal cash <i>(I'm working on it, y'all, I prmoise!!!)</i>, even gift cards for postage for goody boxes from the USPS, you can help get a friend a leg-up in SO many ways this year, and none of them come from a fucking <i><b>SHOPPING MALL,</b></i> thank fuck.<br /><br />Okay, sermon over. Back to evil toys & dolls that create horrifying noises, excretions, and other inadvertently-amusing perversities.Anntichrist S. Coulterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06415084181464098543noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-2217164039941944242011-11-19T05:38:58.974-08:002011-11-19T05:38:58.974-08:00(Continued truncation)
Oh, and then, if you are u...(Continued truncation)<br /><br />Oh, and then, if you are unfortunate enough to be stuck out in the boonies, having to frequent retail shit-holes like Fred's Super-Ghetto Store, you can hear worn-down-battery/beaten-to-fuck-and-back DOLLS, not action figures, not poseable likenesses, but soft-plush-stuffed fucking <i><b>DOLLS</b></i> of Jeff Foxworthy <i>(yeah, HE'S so redneck, he's got a fucking Masters in code-writing and left his WHITE-COLLAR JOB AT fucking <b>IMB</b> to go on the road and pretend that HE'S a so-called "redneck," when he's never broken a sweat doing an honest day's labor in his LIFE!!)</i> Larry The Pedophile-Looking Cable Guy <i>(no further commentary needed THERE)</i> AND, what really kills me, Bill Engvall, one of the two of the quartet who has a few actual brain cells left to rub together over topics more complex than PROFIT MARGINS. I still don't know what <i><b>"HEEEEERRRRRE'S YOUR SIGN!"</b></i> means,and I'm okay with that, but I still can't believe Engvall needed the money THAT fucking badly.<br /><br />At least the HONEST redneck on that tour, a man who walks the walk and talks the talk and could drink a 1996 <b>ME</b> under the fucking table, Ron "Tater Salad" White <i>(I liked him before I ever heard of the nickname)</i> -- RON, to my knowledge, never consented to have his voice, his comedic material, OR his likeness slapped onto these horrifically-anatomically-incorrect DOLLS from the ass-end of nowhere, China.<br /><br />Dunno if they'll be putting out new ones this year, but I bet, if you go to that Fred's Super Ghetto Store where that lying skank redneck trailer-trash skank lied to us all about Lee having a "brain tumor," you can still find one on those very same filthier-than-a-parish-health-unit-bathroom shelves.<br /><br />Sorry, Bill, didn't mean to hijack yer thread there, darling, I just got a little carried away. I don't generally WANT machines to talk to me, be they vehicles, GPS, computerized random-dialers that are SUPPOSED to be fucking ILLEGAL, hospitals/dr.'s offices calling to confirm appointments and you have to wait FIVE MINUTES to get to the part where you can push the button TO CONFIRM, obnoxiously-loud "ring tones" of rap songs, cunt-ry "songs," cartoon voices, Pohler chainsaws, ET CETERA, ET CETERA.<br /><br />(TRUNCATED A-FUCKING-<i>GAIN!!!</i> )Anntichrist S. Coulterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06415084181464098543noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-73714668367709022412011-11-19T05:36:51.750-08:002011-11-19T05:36:51.750-08:00Beats the hell out of those neolithic, originally-...Beats the hell out of those neolithic, originally-designed-in-1919 "Maaa-Maa!" soft squeezy-dolls, often featured in Hitchcock's and fans of his films/TV shows to give just that perfect touch of childlike evil in the pre-"Shining" days... same mechanism as those canned cows, where you turn the can upside down and the weighted bellows makes it do a long, drawn-out, tortured-sounding "mooooouuuuuhhhhh." That would be a FABULOUS GIFT for the PETA fucktard on your shopping list, btw.<br /><br />What I hate about going out in public, especially Wally World or Dollar General these days, is that there are these almost-television displays mounted on EVERY OTHER FUCKING END-CAP, and as soon as they sense the approach of a warm body, THEY START TALKING <i><b>*TO*</b></i> YOU, which I consider to be far too forward, rude, intrusive, and outright fucking CREEPY AS ALL HELL!!! <b>You don't KNOW ME, bitch, so don't presume that you have my permission to DISCUSS MY FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS </b><i>(or dog food, as NO retailer gives a flying RAT-FUCK about CATS, especially in the PUPPY=GIVING SEASON!!!, or dish soap or deodorant or denture cream, etc.!!!)</i><b>!!!</b><br /><br />Aeon Flux had less-creepy, almost-less-invasive "technology," fer fuck's sake, and, as flawed as the screenplay was, and as far as it was from THE ORIGINAL in every sense, at least it starred my pretend-girlfriend, Charliiiiiizzzzze.<br /><br />(TRUNCATED BY FUCKING BLOGGER!!!)Anntichrist S. Coulterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06415084181464098543noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-82547209040459006322011-11-18T19:19:40.549-08:002011-11-18T19:19:40.549-08:00There IS a toy currently on the market, which our ...There IS a toy currently on the market, which our store carries, that is just as horrible, if not worse:<br />"Sing-a-Majigs".<br />Have you seen these?<br />They're little plush dolls with O-shaped mouths that produce creepy devil-like sounds when you press their tummy.<br />I swear, they really, really creep me out. If I was a child, I'd be afraid of them.Bill Snoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-64602953008711712092011-11-17T20:31:48.732-08:002011-11-17T20:31:48.732-08:00P.S. Scott: Those aren't Steven Tyler lips, ...P.S. Scott: Those aren't Steven Tyler lips, either the originals or the five plastic-surgery sets. Those are Angelina Jolie Face-Vagina(C) "Lips," available now from RONCO!!!<br /><br />And Mary? I'd wager that it was more Monsanto or the precursors to what became globe-eating/famine-producing scumbags aka CON-Agra. Accent on the "con," of course. Scumbags. Triple-serving of douchebag for Monsanto. I wonder how many stupid kids DRANK that chemical excretion before it was yanked off of the market?<br /><br /><i>(And yes, that painful udder image just sliced through my head, and sorry, 'twas NOT intended!!!)</i>Anntichrist S. Coulterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06415084181464098543noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-41517912489315186682011-11-17T19:58:46.127-08:002011-11-17T19:58:46.127-08:00fucking tags.fucking tags.Anntichrist S. Coulterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06415084181464098543noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-44602497747421617852011-11-17T19:57:33.825-08:002011-11-17T19:57:33.825-08:00I'm STILL trying to get MY plastic polled Here...I'm STILL trying to get MY plastic polled Hereford bull <i>(not polled originally, but that's what they get for giving it to a two-year-old with anger issues!!!)</i> back from the Fallen Uterus, as well as the apparently ONLY copy of the portrait of me as a crying 3-year-old clutching said Hereford whilst being shrieked into obedience by said Fallen Uterus.<br /><br />Never had any animals that excreted anything, that I can recall, all of MY toys were fucking BABY DOLLS, play dishes, hand-me-down/yard-sale "kitchen" appliances/pretend-furniture out of loverly tin. Teh F.U. was planning on me turning out like HER, in other words. Always got SOOOO pissed that I wanted the livestock and the Tonka trucks... so at least I did SOMETHING right, eh?<br /><br />Oh, I *did* have a baby doll that peed & pooed as soon as you fed it, a rather inefficient and unrealistic design, not to mention the fact that one ran out of "diapers" in a DAY and the F.U. wasn't thrilled to be sharing her fuckin' paper towels. <i><b>Then don't give me </b></i>EXCRETORY TOYS, DUMBASS!!!!!!Anntichrist S. Coulterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06415084181464098543noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-52629668700277178282011-11-17T17:52:45.925-08:002011-11-17T17:52:45.925-08:00They were probably thinking, "Well, we've...They were probably thinking, "Well, we've got a design for a cheap plastic pump that can suck up water. But what do we do with it?"<br /><br />"We could make a racehorse that pees."<br /><br />"No-o-o-o, but you're on the right track..."<br /><br />Personally, I'd like to hear an explanation of the design process that led to huge Steven Tyler lips on the cow.Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02798340582589737829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-27368170388723715362011-11-17T13:44:48.291-08:002011-11-17T13:44:48.291-08:00I was slightly older, Uglucks, but had the exact s...I was slightly older, Uglucks, but had the exact same reaction when I saw that commercial. It's one of those "WHAT were they thinking?" toys.Bill Snoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776456473941522431.post-26189881740372722122011-11-17T08:13:22.379-08:002011-11-17T08:13:22.379-08:00I remember watching that ad during Saturday mornin...I remember watching that ad during Saturday morning cartoons - I also recall my brother and me being amazed in a train wreck sort of way at the WTF nature of it, and that was when we were no more than 7 or 8 at the time.Ugluks Fleahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07736087597235009092noreply@blogger.com