Tuesday, October 21, 2014

If Cyrano de Bergerac Were a Mortician

Along with the large volume of spam I deservedly receive, there's the occasional, loosely targeted marketing appeal from proprietors of various virtual emporia. The last time, it was from Ken Myers, "a leader in the nanny industry" (I'll just note that this was back in 2013, so the couple of Robin Williams jokes were in no more than average bad taste).  Today, the vast combines of the Sympathy Card Ghost-Writing business have turned their cephalopodan tentacles on World O' Crap:
Hi,
I'm Suzie Kolber and I’m a volunteer at ObituariesHelp.org. I visited World o Crap online
Yes, that's usually where you'll find it.
I’m wondering if I can contribute some content to your website (http://world-o-crap.blogspot.com/) about “How to Express Your Condolences For a Loved One." What do you think? 
I think you just neatly demonstrated the difference between "visiting" a site and "reading" it.
 Let me know if you like the idea or if you have a better suggestion.
I actually do have a couple of ideas. Let me run 'em by you:
  1. What about an anti-aging cream made from embalming fluid and driveway sealant! Or...
  2. How about if mortuaries made plastic deathmasks of your loved ones, then added an elastic string so kids could Trick or Trick as their recently deceased Grandpa? (Homeowner: Awww, and what are you supposed to be?  Trick or Treater: A reminder of your own mortality, Ma'm!)
Anyway, back to Suzie...
If not, would you consider sharing my new advice page that lists how to write a condolence message with your visitors? (http://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
Sure, Suzie. It's been my sad duty to write a few obituaries over the years -- for Jim Capozolla,  beloved Crapper Marq, and the irreplaceable Doghouse Riley (and I just noticed, in looking these up, that Marq commented on Jim's obit, and Doghouse commented on Marq's, which is either a bittersweet reminder of the Circle of Life, or these posts are like that video in The Ring) -- and it's a hard, emotional experience that could only benefit from the introduction of crib notes.
The page was recently endorsed by the International Funeral Directors Association and I think this would be helpful to anyone that has recently lost a loved one or is about to attend a funeral.
Yes, if there's one thing that can improve the grieving experience, it's making it less personal and spontaneous.
I’m proud to say the website receives over 400K visitors per month and helps lots of people during their most difficult time.
Wow, I should be asking you for a plug, except I don't actually help anybody, even when the livin' is easy.
Please let me know your thoughts and if you’re able to add me as a resource, please share the URL with me so that I can look at it.
Actually, I seem to have deleted your email, Suzie, but just know that my thoughts are with you as you work through this difficult time of networking and marketing.

And if any of you guys are worried that your elegy is thin gruel and could use a nice starchy thickener, consider Suzie's Obituary Helper.

(Speaking of death: Actor212 has produced a timeline on the Duncan Ebola case which demonstrates with remarkable, cool-headed clarity, that the U.S. is in danger of coming down with a fatal case of Texas.)

7 comments:

M. Bouffant said...

Wow. For a second there I thought Suzy (w/ a "y") Kolber (ESPN reporter, for the Philistines) had fallen on hard times.

Carl said...

I kissed Suzy Kolber.

That might explain it. actually.

Carl said...

See, this is the trouble with not reading through to the end before I make a joke.

Thanks for the mention, Scott!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

NO NEW TEXASES!
~

Weird Dave said...

Repeal Texas on the jerb crators.

Weird Dave said...

Oh, and just in case anyone was wondering where Mr. ™³²®© got his handle from...

Pere Ubu said...

these posts are like that video in The Ring

uh-oh.